Yesterday marked the four months of me having my heart broken (I’m not sure, though – I was pretty sure it was stolen, but then I’m not sure of that either). Things just fell apart, despite all the preventive measures I’d taken. I’d specifically tried to avoid a scenario like that and it happened. It’s so ironic, it’s not even remotely funny. But it happened. Maybe I’d overthunk it all, maybe I’d been wrong from the beginning, or maybe I’m just simply wrong. Whatever it was, there is no use trying to reminisce over what’s already led to this downfall. It’s not going to bring anything back. Lives were lost, I’m sure. I’m sure my arrogance and stupidity led karma to do harm to the world. I don’t know. I’m overthinking again.
As the Story of the Year song ‘Antidote’ goes,
The damage has been done,
And this machine has begun
On a path of destruction!
I’m beginning to think it’s the same. How we sit and think about our mistakes and dwell upon them, making more mistakes while at it and, when finally out of the dwell, regret those other mistakes. It’s a vicious cycle, guaranteed to bring you down, and keep you there forever.
We need the medicine,
To reverse what’s been done,
In a blueprint to save us
From all that we’ve become.
Damage control, and assessment. I’ve already let this bring me down to such a level where I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I’ve begun to hate thinking, because all there is are thoughts of destruction, hate, negativity. It’s all empty up there. There’s no ‘To Let’ sign in my cranium – the Devil’s already occupied it, I’m afraid. And he’s working hard in his little workshop, working me against myself.
Maybe this blog will help. Maybe I should restart writing (‘Back At Me, Full Square Circle’), to let go of my pain into words and let the meaning be obscured behind my cryptic verses. Or a story. No, wait, not a story – too detailed. I haven’t done any photography lately either (that’s more because of the broken Windows partition; I’m not comfortable with GIMP), nor have I tried to make an effort to. Everything seems so ordinary, so normal. I don’t find a photogenic subject anymore. It’s like I’ve lost my artist’s eye. And that’s pretty much all I ever had something to be proud of, deep inside. Ugh. And no creativity means no design work, either.
But then I’ve been sketching – a lot, lately. I don’t know how, or why, or when. I just do, instinctively. But it’s not something I want to do. It’s the most raw reproduction of my thoughts, and they’re scary, the sketches. Ghouls, murderers, rapists, zombies, the like. I’m not this.
Music – now that’s something that’s been helping me out a bit. I remember how in my school days I used to listen to dance, house, trance, EDM – basically all electronica. Past couple of years it’s been hard rock, heavy metal, death metal etc. Recently it’s been gothic rock, orchestral metal, psychedelic trance, acoustic, pop, grime. To quote Eminem, ‘They say music is a reflection of self’.
I have to fix me. I am not this. This is four months old and I should’ve forgotten everything, every last thing. I should’ve burned all the pictures, purged all the memories I held so close, put a cease-and-desist order on everything that takes me back to where I get hurt, burn this place to the ground and scatter the ashes into the seas – all of them.
I have an exam tomorrow, and here I am, sick and down. Yay for exam fever!
Only this much for now, I guess. Your thoughts are welcome, comment if you’d like to say anything.
All we need is a reason,
All we need is right here inside us all.
Till then I’ll work on myself.