I’ve never quite been into the whole ‘television’ thing. Not series, not films (BIIIIG exceptions excluded, of course!), not music videos, not news. Cartoons were a big exception back in the day when they actually had cartoons, rather than those part live-action/part-cheesy character stuff they show on telly nowadays. I don’t regret not watching TV back then, back when I was an immature lil’ twerp (okay, not really hehe). Over the years though, I’ve justified my stand on the premise that telly really killed imagination (explains why I don’t like film adaptations of books?) and that I could live books in my own world, a world that I could connect to more easily. That’s how it was supposed to be, right? A reading’s supposed to be a personal connection, from author to reader. (That’s what I like about artists and creative peeps in general – they say what’s on their mind, and you can make a gazillion ideas of what was actually said – but that’s another post for another time.)
Anyway, to kill time in the past few days (we’ve exams, and I’m not the most enthusiastic person about exams), I decided to flip through some TV shows I used to watch years back. (No honey, I’m not a hypocrite – I watched when I was eating lunch or dinner.) I distinctly remember watching Top Gear, House, The King of Queens, How I Met Your Mother, Scrubs, Prison Break, Dexter, Malcolm In The Middle, even if it was part of each episode. Up until about a couple of years back I haven’t watched any full season. My first complete series was (surprise!) House, followed by Prison Break. It was crazy, but I only did because most of my friends said I was missing out on a lot. Turned out I was. But not much, not that much. TV used to be funny – now it seems like a chore turning it on and flipping through 9.234543e13 channels just to find something that isn’t horribly cliched or scripted with bad jokes. And that’s not even including those horrible Hindi soap operas. TV at an Indian home MUST have these on, sometime during its lifetime in said home. Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki (‘Story of Every Home’), Kum Kum (???), and some other crap stuff I’m happy I don’t remember.
First I started watching The Big Bang Theory. It’s fun, admittedly. It’s crazy, and I go clapping like a seal when there’s a nice reference to something my nerd-side magnetically attracts itself to. But eventually it didn’t seem so funny anymore. I’ve been like this for way too long. I’ve carried and dragged this downed mood of mine for far too long. It’s like I’m hoping for a miracle that one day someone can breathe life into a dead body, so I refuse to hand it over to nature. Rotten, vile, a stinking mess of a body – will it even be the same, even if the hoped-for miracle ever came to be? How will this broken body be what it was before?
I’m sorry, I was talking about something else. Sheldon and Cooper held me for some time – they made me laugh. And it was amazing because I thought I’d lost all ability and reason to laugh, and I felt good – as long as the episode lasted. So I gave up on TBBT. I didn’t want to laugh for a moment and then sink back. It’s like alternating hot and cold buckets on your head – it’s torture.
So I stalled, and went back to the ‘no-telly’ affair. And bored I did get, again. So I decided to watch Scrubs. I like Scrubs because I can relate to it on a personal level. If I was a character in the series, I’d be a mix of JD’s, Elliot’s, Cox’s and Dr Kelso’s personalities – a sensitive, caring, you-before-me, caring, nostalgic, hard-hearted, snot-faced person with a mysterious background. And it’s hard to admit sometimes, but I ultimately face up to it (because I am guilty), that maybe you can’t judge people on what they show, right? You wait it out, you ride it out until something happens and you are sure that it’s how it seems. But how’re you supposed to act? I feel like JD at this point, an intern who has NO idea as to who is who and how they are. Sometime (for the most part, actually), I feel like Elliot, always trying to do good, and better, and failing at it and people calling her off for it. Not to mention she’s alone, and faced with so much stress and no one really getting to her. I feel sorry for her sometimes.
But what affected me the most about this series is the relationship between Cox and JD. I always thought of Cox as a wannabe House (I even think they look vaguely similar, but it’s probably just me), but it all turned around when he told JD why he (Cox) didn’t evaluate him (JD) himself.
It’s all about being aware of yourself – about knowing who you are and what you can and cannot do. When Cox told JD this, I sat there, stunned and not really paying attention to what followed. It struck me, and it struck me hard enough to be a sword in stone. I’ve never evaluated myself. I’ve always cared about everyone else around me, I’ve always put someone else before me, and I’ve never had second thoughts about it. I’ve never really paid attention to whether I was happy or not, because the way it is, it’s that if you’re happy, I’m happy. I don’t have to ensure my happiness. It comes as a result of your happiness, and I’m so selfish that I’d do anything to make anyone else happy, because I didn’t want to be unhappy. Eventually I’ve become so lost in making everyone else happy that I’ve lost all belief in myself, of what I’m capable of, of what I should be working towards. I don’t know what I’m good at, I don’t know what I’m bad at so that I know where I can improve and where I can, well, just leave it someone who can do it better than me.
I don’t regret anything I’ve done – if there’s anything I regret, it’s what I’ve never done when I had all the chance and choice and reason and right to. I’ve never stepped back, looked in the mirror and said, ‘Hey, you’ve thinned a lot since the last time I saw you. You okay?’ No, I’ve just gone to someone who wasn’t and said, ‘Hey, you’re not well. Here, take some meds and some food. I’ll be on call whenever you need me, okay?’ And I used to insist. ‘Used to’ – doesn’t mean I don’t or wouldn’t. I’ve just been holed up, trying to make sense of things and trying to balance between what Dr Cox said and what I’ve always done.
All in all, I don’t know what to do, so I’ll probably go on a two-month vac, and go along with Cox’s suggestion and sit down in a quiet corner and evaluate myself – from my own POV and see what I come up with. I might just be surprised.
Take care, you.